Is it okay to be angry when dealing with Loss? Hell yes! When dealing with a Loss pretty much anything goes. Whatever works. Except of course self harm, harm to others and spiraling into addiction.
We all develop strategies. I have been talking in these pieces on Loss about my own methods. They don’t work for everyone but I felt it important to lay them out there. I have found that I look not for complete answers but try to pick out one thought that resonates and add it to my repertoire of ideas that I incorporate into my strategy. Might be just one idea I get from a 200 page book but it’s worth it. I’ll be talking more about books in the future.
So what about Anger? I get angry. It’s not directed at anything or anyone in particular. Blaming someone or something for what happened is as futile as asking the question ‘Why?’. There is no answer to that question and there is no agent responsible for the Loss. I have said that our answer to ‘Why’ when we lost our daughter was from the Tao te Ching:
Nature does not play favorites she regards her creations without sentimentality.
Nature is not good or bad, warm to cold, she just IS. And so with Anger. It’s okay to just pound the steering wheel of your car or scream out. A primal scream or maybe a phrase of frustration. In my case, yes, I have pounded the steering wheel. I have also screamed out a line from the 1980 movie ‘The Christmas Story’. If you haven’t seen it, make sure to watch it this Holiday season. Beyond funny and also just, well, nice.
Anyway the dad in the story is constantly tormented by a pack of hounds owned by one of their neighbors, the Bumpuses. And he would scream out ‘Son of a bitchin’ Bumpuses.” Anger just comes randomly for me. Out of the blue I will just stand there and scream ‘Son of a bitchin’ Bumpuses!!’ It is transitory but I feel better after the primal scream.
So let it rip when the urge strikes.
